


Red Dead Witchdemption, By John Egbert

by Edrobot



Category: Homestuck, Red Dead Redemption, Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Meta, Metafiction, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4371407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edrobot/pseuds/Edrobot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The cast of Homestuck take turns trying to write a Witcher/Red Dead Redemption crossover. And they do a terrible job at it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red Dead Witchdemption, By John Egbert

Once upon a time John Marston was at an inn somewhere, taking a nice, long bubble bath after a long day of shooting bandits. It was his job to shoot bandits, and he was paid well for it because he was very good at his job. But the money didn’t help because he was sad. As he looked at his rubber ducky, a single tear fell down his face, as he thought about wife and son, who were both kidnapped by the government. He missed them a whole lot, but he knew that once he killed every bandit in the country, he would reunite with them and probably have sex (With his wife that is, not his son. I wasn’t sure that was clear).

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. John got out of the bathtub and opened it, and found that it was his good friend Gill Murray, the world-famous stand-up comedian.

“Hey john! You’ll never believe this!” he said. “There’s a bunch of skeletons going around killing people and stealing their stuff!”

“Not on my watch,” said John in a really cool way. And then he went back to the bathroom to get his clothes, and he got on his horse to go fight the skeletons.

Gill Murray also tagged along. “I’ve only got two days to retirement,” he said. “Might as well make the best of them, know what I mean?”

They then rode across the desert, until they reached the town that the skeletons were attacking. They were literally everywhere, and were killing a lot of people.

“Wow those are a lot of skeletons,” Gill said. “Hope you brought enough bullets!”

John Marston wasn’t fazed. “I always bring enough bullets.” he said. And then he pulled out his gun and shot some of the skeletons. He then reloaded the gun and shot some more skeletons. He then did this several more times until all the skeletons were dead.

“Well you certainly had a bone to pick with them!” Gill Murray said. “What a way to spend my last two days till retirement.”

“Only question is…” said John, “Who brought these skeletons here in the first place?”

Suddenly, a skeletal figure came down from the sky on a magic carpet. “That would be me!” he said. “I am The King of Bones, and now that I have the Scepter of Gozer, I will conquer both worlds, and rule as a god!”

“Both worlds? What are you talking about?” John Marston asked.

“Why don’t you see for yourself?!” said the King of Bones.

And then, with a wave of his hand, he summoned a portal to another dimension, and John Marston and Gill Murray got sucked into it!

\--------------------------

John Egbert scooted back in his chair, mulling over the digital manuscript in front of him. He had spent the last month planning this fic in his head, coming up with all of the twists and turns that he had in mind for the epic meeting between John Marston and Geralt of Riviera. But now that he had it down on paper it seemed… quaint.

There were words on his computer, no doubt, and John was certainly the one who wrote them. But somehow they didn’t feel right, almost as if a metafictional vampire and come along and sucked all the life out of his his original premise, leaving only a dried-up husk behind.

“i guess it’s been awhile since i wrote anything…” He thought, remembering the glory days of the Real Ghostbusters / Filmation Ghostbusters crossover he wrote back in middle school.

John then booted up his Pesterchum client, in hopes that one of his friends might be able to pull him out of his writer’s block.

\--------------------------

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 20:13 --  
EB: hey dave.  
EB: you busy?  
TG: kinda.  
TG: the kickstarter is kinda eating up all my time.  
EB: oh right, for the movie.  
EB: wait, i mean  
EB: the “moive”  
TG: actually at this point im kinda leaning towards calling it  
TG: sweet bro and hella jeff the featur filim: teh mvoie  
TG: but yeah its like the massive unprecedented success.  
TG: we asked for like twenty bucks and ended up with twenty million.  
TG: sad thing is were gonna be spending most that on crappy t shirts but oh well.  
EB: ah, well.  
EB: hows jake doing?  
TG: the little spaz couldnt be happier.  
TG: we havent even started filming and already his director powers have gone to his head.  
TG: hes thoroughly convinced that my screenplay is some sort of deep allegory of the fall of the roman empire.  
TG: he even wanted to build a 1:1 scale model of the coliseum until the assistant director talked him out of it.  
TG: or rather screamed him out of it.  
EB: poor karkat.  
TG: hey. he was the one who asked to be assistant director.  
TG: he knew the risks.  
EB: yeah, i know.  
EB: its a shame karakt’s own kickstarter didn’t do so well.  
EB: i was kinda looking forward to seeing what “summerteen romance” was all about.  
TG: oh yeah. trust me. the screenplay is worth checking out.  
EB: speaking of which,  
EB: i was kinda hoping you could help me with this fanfiction i’m writing.  
TG: is it the one you told me about last week  
TG: about the cowboy the skeleton guy and the mary sue??  
EB: geralt is not a mary sue!  
EB: and yes. that one.  
TG: hm.  
TG: well now that i think about it your house does have a good staircase we could use.  
TG: tell you what.  
TG: you let me film in your house and tolerate any sort of whacky shenanigans that result from the film crew crashing at your place  
TG: and in return ill help edit your story.  
EB: well i do have a fondness for wacky shenanigans.  
EB: youve got yourself a deal!  


\--------------------------

The next few days were a whirlwind of activity, as the cast and crew for Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff the Featur Filim: Teh Mvoie arrived. They parked their trailers and vans in John’s backyard, and quickly went to work invading his home, turning his kitchen into a cantina, the office into a darkroom, the bathroom into a dressing room, dad’s bedroom into a storeroom for props, and the living room into an impromptu soundstage.

But even after they had finished unpacking, the place was still a madhouse. Karkat was marching around barking orders at everyone he perceived to be slacking off while Jake followed behind, not only undoing Karkat’s every last order but also asking for opinions on his last-minute additions to the script. Eridan was arguing with Vriska over why he gets second billing even though sweet bro was one of the title characters. Dirk and Sollux poured over a laptop, trying to figure out how make the effects look even shitter then they already were. Tavros struggled with the camera, trying in vain to get the lense-cap off. Smoke poured from the Kitchen as Equius’ grip proved to be too STRONG for yet another kitchen utensil. And in the center of it all was Donald Glover, motionless amidst a sea of chaos, getting himself in-character to play the role that would no doubt define his career.

John was worried about having to explain things to Dad, but to his surprise he seemed rather cool about the radical redecoration that was going on, even if it did mean that he had to sleep on giant wooden horse with Barack Obana’s face spray-painted on it in lieu of a bed. John suspected he had left a note praising John for having the courage to let his friends take over his house for a week to film an indie flick, but no doubt it was lost in the ensuing shuffle.

In the end, only John’s room went unmolested. Dave wasn’t a complete jerk, after all. Either that, or he just wanted quiet place to read John’s fic.

“so yeah.” Dave said, looking away the computer screen. “its an okay start. what happens next?”

John tugged at the collar of his shirt. “well, uh,” he stuttered, “i do have an outline, but im not really sure about it anymore...”

“see thats your problem right there.” Dave said. “youve got no confidence. a real writer has to be able to plow through whatever shitty ideas pop into their head.” Dave leaned back in his chair, and placed his feat on top of the desk. “take michael bay for instance. i mean you did like the rock. am i right?”

John looked at the poster hanging on the wall, of Sean Connery pointing a gun at the camera while Nic Cage looked on in befuddled silence. “yeah that was pretty good.” he said.

“how about armageddon??”

John thought about it. “i guess i used to like that one too.”

“great.” said Dave “now tell me. how many transformers sequels are there?”

“three. and i’m pretty sure they’re making a fourth one...”

“and were any of them good?”

John winced. “no. no they were not.”

“exactly.” dave snapped his fingers. “see. michael bay learned that success isnt about quality but quantity. doesnt matter how shit the story is. as long as theres a recognizable brand name attached people will eat it up.”

“im almost a hundred percent sure thats not how it works.” said John.

“hey. whos the guy with the million dollar kickstarter??”  said Dave. “yeah thats what i thought.” Dave’s knuckles cracked as he stretched his fingers, and then placed his hands on the keyboard. “here. let me show you how its done.”

\--------------------------

So john and gill fell out of the portal and landed in some kinda forest.

“oh shit!” said John. “Where the fuck are we?”

“I don’t know.” said Gill. “But it looks like we’re not in kansas anymore. By the way I only have two days till retirement.”

then suddenly they ran into a white-haired guy with swords named Geralt. “Whoah, who the hell are you guys?” Geralt said.

“I’m John Marston, and this other guy isn’t important.” John said. “We fell through a portal made by some asshole called the Boner King or something.”

“Oh yeah you must be from another dimension.” Geralt said. “The Boner King is a dick, isn’t he?”

“You can say that again.” said Gill Murry. “Oh and I only have two days till retirement.”

“We should team up.” said John. “Theres probably like a million dollar bounty on his head or something that we can split.”

“Deal.” said Geralt. “But first I have to kill some monsters because I’m a Witcher.”

“Dude, you fight monsters?” said John. “That sounds awesome. Count me in!”

“Okay but you don’t have magic, so first we have to run around the countryside picking flowers so I can make some magic bullets and shit.”

So they rode their horses and picked flowers and hunted bears and stuff until they were sick of it, and then they went to this blacksmith guy who hammed that stuff into a bunch of magic bullets somehow.

“Well that was tedious and boring.” said John. “I hope that if someone ever makes a video game about us that they’ll have a crafting system that doesn’t involve running around picking daisies all day.”

Geralt and Gil nodded in agreement, with Gill noting that he only had two days till retirement.

So then they rode to the monster nest, which was full of zombie ghosts that were probably made out of dead babies or something.

“I hope you’re ready for this.” said Geralt.

“I was born ready.” said John.

So then they had an epic fight with the zombies. John was blowing off heads with his magic bullets, doing backflips in order to dodge all the monsters that were trying to bite him, while Geralt was decapitating them with his silver katana and occasionally setting them on fire for fun. Then all the zombie ghosts formed into a giant suit of armor, which began to say stuff but John and Geralt weren’t listening because they were too busy coming up with a plan.

“You sure it’ll work?” Geralt said.

“Well we’ll be dead if it doesn’t so who cares?”

Geralt agreed, and they immediately they lept into action. John was shooting the zombie armor ineffectually, and geralt did an awesome leap onto the monster’s head, kicking him onto the ground. Then John tossed Geralt his spare gun, and together they executed the zombie armor ghost Boondocks Saints style.

“Well that wasn’t too bad.” John said. “I almost want to stay here a bit longer, except I have a wife and kid back home.”

“Yeah, and I only have two days till retirement!” said Gill Murry. “Did I mention that yet? I just feel like bringing it up.”

Suddenly, a beam of high-energy protons shot past Gill’s face!

“Wait!” a voice said, “Hold your fire! These aren't ghosts!”

John Marston turned towards the source of the energy beam, and out of the shadows emerged....

Han Solo and the Real Ghostbusters!

\--------------------------

“um. dave?” John Egbert said. “the real ghostbusters weren't in my outline.” he then re-read the last sentence, just to make sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him. “and im pretty sure han solo was never on the team.”

“well shit man.” dave said. “you were the one who opened that can of worms with that dimensional portal of yours.”

“yeeeeeeeah, but i wanted to keep this kinda self-contained.” John said. “it was just going to be a little story about john marston and geralt teaming up to fight a mysterious new villain, not a mindless orgy of random crossovers.”

“well it only makes sense.” dave said. “geralt hunts ghosts. the ghostbusters hunt ghosts. a match made in heaven.”

“i guess.” said John. “but i dunno. i kinda want a second opinion…”

Suddenly, a particularly loud-mouthed Troll burst through the door, practically steaming with rage.

“STRIDER! GET OVER HERE!” Karkat shouted. “JAKE’S TRYING TO TURN THE FILM INTO A GOG-DAMN MUSICAL BASED ON THE BEACH BOYS.”

“so?” said dave. “everyone loves the beach boys.”

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT!” Karkat said. “HE WANTS TO DO IT LIVE AND I KEEP TRYING TO TELL HIM THAT ERIDAN’S SINGING VOICE HAS BEEN OUTLAWED BY THE TROLL GENEVA CONVENTION.” Karkat crumpled up the paper he was holding. “BESIDES, EVERYONE KNOWS THE TROLL BEACH BOYS WERE BETTER.”

“well im sorry man but im a bit tied up at the moment.” said Dave. “see i kinda promised john that i’d help him finish his crappy fanfic and well. you know i cant say no to that lovable doofus.”

“OH FOR THE LOVE OF- LET ME SEE THAT” Karkat gritted his teeth, and shoved the boys aside so he could skim through the story.

“OH GOG...” he said. “OH… MY… GOG. THIS ONE OF THE ABSOLUTE DUMBEST THINGS I’VE EVER READ.” he then glared at Dave. “AND BELIEVE ME. YOU’VE MADE ME READ A LOT OF STUPID SHIT.”

“great.” said Dave. “let me call jake up here and we’ll do one of those things were we riff it line by line and quote unfunny internet memes.”

“HELL NO.” said Karkat. “THIS THIS DOESN’T DESERVE IT. ESPECIALLY THE SECOND HALF THAT’S INEXPLICABLY WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN RED TEXT. I MEAN WHO DOES THAT?”

“i know right?” Dave wagged his finger at John. “shame on you john.”

“PLUS YOU’RE IGNORING THE ROMANTIC CORE OF THE SERIES.” he said. “TRYING TO WRITE A WITCHER FIC WITHOUT YENNIFER IS LIKE TRYING TO MAKE A SEQUEL TO TROLL INDEPENDENCE DAY WITHOUT TROLL WILL SMITH.”

“actually im pretty sure they’re doing that.” said john.

“LIKE I CARE.” Karkat scowled as his pinky finger reached for the caps lock key. “NOW LET ME SHOW YOU AMATEURS HOW IT’S DONE.”


End file.
